Month: March 2017
Flores Delores and the Oris Chronoris: A Story of Love, Fear, Possession, and Time
There once was a girl named Flores Delores whose hair was as red as merlot.
Flores Delores had a mother named Doris who loved to read works by Thoreau.
Her father, Fitzmorris (who sang in the chorus), had a funny obsession with time.
But Flores Delores (her sign being Taurus) despised being second in line.
Whenever Fitzmorris would speak to dear Flores, her eyes would roll back in her head.
“Father, don’t bore us with tales of your Oris. Your watch talk; it fills me with dread.”
“But Flores, this isn’t just any old Oris,” Fitzmorris did state to his child.
“This is the new DATE Oris Chronoris!” Quipped Fitz, who then suddenly smiled.
Flores Delores was annoyed by this Oris and wanted it gone from her life.
Her father’s fixation with his newest Chronoris had even frustrated his wife.
“Mother, this Oris makes father ignore us. The watch must immediately go.
He used to adore us but now his Chronoris receives all the love he can show.”
“Child, he’d implore us to not touch his Chronoris. I suggest that you show some respect.
His feelings are porous; just talk to Fitzmorris, as that is what he would expect.”
But Flores Delores knew the Chronoris needed to soon disappear.
So, she called her friend Boris and her other friend Horace to help her get rid of the gear.
Boris and Horace and Flores had waited ‘til Fitz was asleep in his chair.
They then snuck in the door and crept over the floor before noticing his wrist was bare.
The three whispered in chorus, “Where’s the Oris Chronoris?” before Flores had noticed the book.
There ‘twas positioned on Thoreau’s 2nd edition, making Flores say, “There it is! Look!”
Horace then swiped the new Oris Chronoris and the three of them ran toward outside.
“What now?” questioned Boris, who was looking at Flores, “That’s what you’ll need to decide.”
Young Flores was thinking as her eyes stared blinking and decided right there on the spot.
“Let’s bury it quickly before old Mr. Hickley sees that in school, we are not.”
So, Horace and Boris dug a hole near some laurus but made sure the watch went unhurt.
“Good riddance” said Flores to the Oris Chronoris which was now buried deep in the dirt.
Later, Fitzmorris (now missing his Oris) asked Flores if she’d seen it around.
“No, father” lied Flores knowing full well his Oris was three feet below in the ground.
“That’s so sad” said Fitzmorris as he thought of his Oris and shook his head slowly in vain.
“But father, don’t fear, for I am right here. This isn’t a loss, but a gain.”
“Sweet Flores Delores, you are quite the Taurus; stubborn, and strong like a bull.
For my dear, ‘twas that watch that allowed me to catch the moments I could, but in full.”
“When you had taken ill, I could give you your pill; the Chronoris reminded me to.
When your birthday was near, it was that watch, my dear, that helped me to celebrate you.”
“At night while you’re sleeping I’m often found weeping because time is the thing I can’t stop.
I’m reminded routinely and almost obscenely that one day, you won’t have your pop.”
“So, you see, my dear Flores, it wasn’t the Oris that took me away from your heart.
It is time that is fleeting, though death we are cheating, as long as we’re nary apart.”
“No watch could replace your beautiful face, and no timepiece could make me forget,
that you are reason the Earth changes seasons and on that I’d easily bet.”
That’s when Flores Delores had thought of the Oris that was ticking away below ground.
“Father, I hid it. I wanted to rid it; to have it no longer around.”
So, Flores Delores and her father Fitzmorris walked to the woods in the dark.
Then Flores Delores dug up the Chronoris and handed it back without mark.
Her eyes filled with tears, she seemed old for her years as she shamefully lowered her head.
“Daughter,” said Fitz as her chin he did lift, “it is time that I tucked you in bed.”
Under the cover as her father did hover, young Flores Delores had gone.
Head to her pillow, while the wind whipped the willow, she asked if he’d sing her a song.
“It is late, you are weary, the night skies are quite dreary, so a song, my dear Flores, must wait.
When you wake, on the dime, I will give you my time; as that is the gift you find great.”
“From now on, without question, I will set this possession to remind me each hour to say,
That the love for my Flores far surpasses my Oris, and that love grows with each passing day.”
“Now, here is your Teddy. Lights out, so be ready, and remember this quick little rhyme:
My daughter, my sweet, close your eyes, get some sleep, and tomorrow, let’s do all to stop time.”
*This piece is dedicated to a good friend and dear neighbor, Denis Gainty, who left us suddenly this week at the young age of 46. Denis, we will miss your presence in our lives. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that it certainly was not your time.
Pack It Up, Pack It In: The Ten Essentials This Female Watch Writer Is Taking to Basel
After reading a recent article on the Watchuseek website titled, “7 Must-Have Items This Watchuseek Editor Packs for Baselworld” I realized just how few of these pieces were written for or by someone like me (you know, someone with girlie parts and built-in baby feeders), even though there are a shit-ton of us womenfolk who attend Baselworld, largely at our own expense. That’s when I decided it was time to speak up and throw down as it pertains to how just how much more crap we gals need to take to Switzerland in comparison with you guys. I probably could have included twenty more items but I don’t get paid for this blog so why in the hell would I, amiright ladies? Anyway, here are the ten things you’ll find in my suitcase once you move that dead body clothes steamer out of the way.
High Heels (an entire suitcase full)
While some of my female colleagues (and haters) might bark, scoff, roll their eyes, or harrumph at this “essential,” it has been proven time and time again that the taller you are, the more money you make. Most recently, a 2016 study published in the British Medical Journal showed that “High BMI and short stature, as estimated by genetics, are casually related to lower socioeconomic status”, and while high heels aren’t genetically applied (but rather, vainly worn), they most definitely help a person appear larger in life than they are. At 5’9.5” in stocking feet, it’s clear to say that I’m pretty tall as it is even without the heels, but there will be nothing more satisfying to me this week than standing at the Hublot booth during their press conference and being able to clearly see Martin Gore of Depeche Mode as I look over the tops of the many male heads (and beards. And glasses.) in front of me.
ERMAGERD! YOU MEAN GIRLS USE THESE, TOO? Damn right we f*cking use these, and we didn’t pick ours up from Marshall’s, either. But the one I’m taking with me this year holds a very special meaning. I just so happen live in one of the best suburbs in the United States as named by several prominent news publications: Decatur, GA. What makes Decatur so great? Well, for one thing, it’s chill AF. It also happens to be home to many of the doctors and educators at Emory University, Agnes Scott College, the CDC, and more. It has the best public school system in the state of Georgia and holds one of the country’s largest book fairs. It’s a blue city that’s smart, creative, and artistic, despite the fact that it’s surrounded by the original characters of Deliverance. Clearly I’m being hyperbolic but the reality is, Decatur is awesome, and part of what makes it so cool is a jewelry store by the name of Worthmore.
Worthmore has two locations – Decatur, and also Midtown – and they have never followed the crowd when it comes to what a traditional jewelry store is supposed to look and act like. Their staff is fun and friendly, and they do their research as it pertains to the jewelry they carry and the watches they offer. This week as I stopped into get a battery on an old Seiko changed, Harris and Leslie welcomed me with open arms and gifted me with a gorgeous leather watch roll created by local designer, Jenae Roseen. I took it home and quickly filled it with the watches I’d be taking with me. Thanks, y’all!
Take it from a woman who can’t run a Power Point presentation during a seminar without accidentally throwing the clicker across the room and smashing it to bits: a backup phone is necessary. But besides the fact that I will likely somehow shatter the screen on my primary mobile phone (and have in the past because FML), a backup phone is a good way to take and store video for post-show social media without having to use the storage space on your everyday device – that is, if you’re a poor freelance writer like I am who can’t afford to hire an entire team of Swiss guys to follow me around and shoot video… of watches, pervs.
Sixty Swiss Francs
BECAUSE YOU WON’T GET A LOCKER IF YOU DON’T HAVE CASH. THIS, I KNOW.
Framed Picture of You and Your Watch Crush
You know you have a watch crush and you know you have that one picture ever taken of the two of you that you secretly stuff in your carry on (you wouldn’t dare dream of putting it in a checked bag for fear of being caught) so that the first thing you do when you arrive in your shitty Air BnB magnificent hotel room is place it on the cardboard box next to the cot night stand. (((Cough))) (((Charris))) (((Cough)))
Printed Copy of Your Appointment Schedule
I don’t care how reliable you believe technology to be, nothing will ever take the place of a good old-fashioned, color-coded, printed excel spreadsheet just in case that primary phone we talked about above (including the calendar app you use) happens to get thrown into the Rhine during a particularly raucous departure from Les Trois Rois that may or may not involve a bagpiper, fake blood, and/or your friend Sophy.
This is the Swiss we’re talking about, and if you don’t know, the Swiss kiss three times, so those lips are going to be put to more use than they were during the summer of your tenth grade year when you first started playing, “Spin the Bottle” and Jimmy McMaster figured out how to get it to land on you every. G*d. Damned. Time. I personally wear Yves Saint Laurent’s lip stain but the L’oreal versions work pretty well, too.
Phone chargers, portable chargers, camera chargers, the San Diego Chargers, TAKE THEM ALL, PEOPLE, ‘cause you’re gonna need ‘em.
A Single Hermes Scarf
You could be wearing a suit you found in the back of your storage unit that you purchased from a thrift store when a Bush was president (pick one… doesn’t matter which) and you’ll still look like a million francs as long as you’re adorned in something Hermes. I always go with a scarf because it can double as a pocket square or triple as a hair tie, plus the folks in the Hermes booth told me how much they appreciate the free advertising. Maybe. They said it in French so it was either that or they asked me for directions to the nearest Starbucks.
Your Ability to Not Take Yourself So Seriously
Look, we all get that watches are serious business, okay? We get it. They’re expensive, they take time – sometimes years – to develop and manufacture properly, and they’ll last you and your offspring generations if you service and take care of them in the appropriate way, but just because something fits the above standards doesn’t mean that it can’t be fun, too. And just because someone is Swiss doesn’t mean they can’t laugh. I know. I’ve seen it happen at least once or twice. So remember to allow yourself moments of lightheartedness as you dress in your Europeanesque best and walk miles per day through the grandeur that is Baselworld, because any world that can’t also be poked fun at isn’t a world any of us should want to be a part of.